About sadness

About sadness/Yoo Dal-yeong (柳達永)

A person's life seems to be a piece of silk woven with joys and sorrows. No one spends their life only with joy, and no one spends their life with only sadness. There are times when sadness dwells in the chest of a person who appears to be happy, and there are times when a happy smile shines in the eyes of a person who only appears sad. Therefore, when people are happy, they do not become intoxicated by it, nor when they feel sad, they do not fall into despair.

I am now looking at the picture hanging in front of my desk. This is ‘A Farmer’s Family Returning from the Field’ painted by Goho. The blue sky is thinly patterned with white clouds, and the wide fields are full of grain to be harvested. The young wife is riding a donkey carrying a basket, and her husband, a farmer, is carrying a fork and following her home. It will come back to Among paintings depicting the world of people living, it would not be common to see a more peaceful scene than this. We see the pious image of a farmer and his wife standing face to face in the middle of a wide field, offering a prayer of thanks while listening to the soft sound of the evening bell, in Millet's 'The Bells', and I see it now. The picture there can feel like the next scene. And, the peace-oriented ideas flowing in the hearts of Millet and Gogh are indistinguishable, like water gushing from the same spring.

Could it be possible that amidst such terrible poverty and agony, a world of peace that could soothe everyone's hearts was created? It's a mysterious thing. I feel this mystery even when I listen to Beethoven’s ‘Pastoral Symphony’ or ‘Spring Sonata’. Both are works written after Beethoven became deaf. Isn't sadness, or rather sadness, truly the power that allows humans to purify their souls and create a high and clear world? If Jesus himself had not been a man of boundless sorrow, how could he have cleared the black sky that has covered the breast of mankind? Confucius and Buddha are all like that.

My youngest son should have been in first grade at elementary school last spring. It already happened two years ago. At that time, the child suffered from a very rare childhood disease called ‘kidney tumor.’ However, he soon underwent surgery and has grown up in good health. But today, I finally found out that the disease had recurred, and I received a truly terrible sentence that there was no cure with today's medicine.

As my wife and I left the hospital, holding the child's wrists one by one, it was difficult for him to breathe as the 1,000-pound piece of metal was pressing on his chest. To a child who knew nothing, the tall buildings, floods of cars, and waves of people he had never seen in the countryside were strange and interesting. He had no worries at all. I didn't see his face right away. Not knowing one's last day would easily make a person blind. But, also, how fortunate it is.

“Dad, shoes.”

He pointed to the shoe store. I guess he wanted to wear shoes, so my wife and I went into the store he pointed to, took off his old sneakers, bought a pair of leather shoes, and put them on. The child's eyes shone with joy, as if he had won the world. We couldn't bear to look at his happy face with sad eyes, so we looked at him and smiled. Who knows that today is a truly happy day for him, but a dark, suffocating day for us.

The death of his father is called ‘Cheonbung (天崩)’. It means the sky is falling. It was only after my father passed away that I realized that this expression was correct. But today, after hearing the doctor's sentence, I cannot control the sadness that makes me fall a thousand miles off a cliff. It is worse than a thousand drops. During the Korean War, two children were lost. Now I am experiencing for the third time that the thought of a child's parents is far less than the thought of a parent's child.

It was a day two years ago. The outcome of the surgery was good, so when the child goes outside to play, I hold his wrist and

“I think it would be a good idea for you to become a doctor when you grow up. Just as the doctor cured your illness, you too can cure other people’s bad illnesses.”

I said. He nodded his head, and from then on he told anyone he would become a doctor.

This night I can't close my eyes and think about death. And, while thinking that all noble things in humans are born out of sadness, I look sadly at the sleeping face of my son, who appears to be extremely intelligent. At the same time, I am firmly solidifying my belief that life is not only joy or sadness, and that sadness purifies the human soul and creates great value.

“God, burn me with repeated sorrow and purify my soul.”